in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
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Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
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I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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