I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
