I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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