I wish I could teleport
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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