I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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