Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
