..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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