It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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