I got chris browned last night
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
