hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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