My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
be right there i have to get my cape
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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