The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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