I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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