I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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