I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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