The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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