I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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