my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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