I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I need to align my fucking chakras
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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