I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
