LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
