I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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