So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
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I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
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I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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