That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
