i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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