turn off your phone and go to bed
guess who came home with a hottie last night
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
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Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
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WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion