I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
