sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
