I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
