I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
