mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
