An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
