Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
