Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
