i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
