I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
