I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
