they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He has the fingertips of a God
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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