Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
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i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
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I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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