Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
