Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
