I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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