I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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