Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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