My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
