I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
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