sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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