I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
