dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
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I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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