Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
