drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
