a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
