Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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