Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
