dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
