We named our party play list daddy issues
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
