he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Randomize
