i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
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yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
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