Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
