I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
